a promise is a promise.

just scrolling thru some of my old blogs and realized that i'd
never actually followed thru with my promise of posting pictures
from our Nashville adventures on here...oops!

sooo, i'll do this the cheating way... follow this link to see pictures
from our summer adventures in our future town... can't believe
i'll actually be living there in just a couple short weeks! crazy.

Nashville Summer 2009

holy honkies!

....i've not been on here in simply forEVER.

quick update?
sarah and i are hopping in our car on the 21st to move to nashville, TN.
that's about the biggest news...uh...ever?
okay so not ever. but in my life lately :)

can't wait to get on the road... we've got family/friends to visit along the
way in southern CA, CO and OK...can't wait can't wait can't wait!


in other news...i made my first attempt at merging two pictures into one yesterday...
took me a while but finally settled on this as my finished product...







this is my friend amanda, she is truly a deeeelight to anyone she meets. :)
this was taken after shooting a wedding in nashville, TN this summer, we were a bit slapstick by the end of the day and playing about like silly dreamers seemed fitting.

:)

as i said...i've never ever made anything like this before.... so, you'll probably find many errors in the final product...but considering it's my first time, and i didn't watch a tutorial for merging pictures together.... i'd say it's pretty decent?
well, it took me forever to make anyway.... ;)


welp. i'm off to do more purging and packing before the big MOOOVEEEE!
not really excited about this part of the process at all... heh.

<3essa

broken hips 'n things...

my my my, how grand a thing it is to plant yourself next to a group of old ladies
for an hour or so inside a coffee shop. such great conversation to be overheard...

so much chatter of hip replacements and unpleasant bowl obstructions...


i can't wait to be elderly.
i'll just plant myself on my porch.
in my rocking chair.
smiling away at the trees and things.
broken hips, obstructed bowels and all...




can't. wait.







;)

still not back in the states yet...

but i just need to say... God is so so so so stinking amazing!

my mind is completely blown.

i love it when you just let go and let God do what he does best.

for the first time ever, i came on this trip with no expectations.

didn't tell God what i wanted to do or see.. just told him to surprise

me and that i was content with whatever.

oh man, the freedom you feel when God is not forced to fit into your ideals

and the freedom He has to use you as He pleases when you don't go around 

telling him how to move and work in your life.. well, it's really quite grand.

i've been stretched and pulled in so many ways on this trip, gained a new 

perspective of myself and the world around me. there is no more doubt 

that i am walking out in the fullness of Gods plan for my life. no more 

doubt that i'm worthy of being used by him. no more doubt that i can 

hear his voice and answer his bidding... just simply no more doubt.

freedom has set in. 

fully.

and control has been given over.

completely.

everything is what it is. 

and i'm just ever so okay with living this amazing life that God has blessed me with.

living it to the fullest and doing whatever it is i'm supposed to be doing with it.

even if it doesn't always "make sense" to everyone else.

cause apparently, that works just fine.

.essa

oh, ps.

I'm still in Guatemala, the rest of my team left at 4am this morning... i'm traveling 

separate from them, so the trip feels prettymuch over by now. I'm flying back to 

the states in the morning and then back to CA the day after that, have the rest of 

the day to wonder about this absolutely gorgeous city of Antigua, Guatemala... time 

to hop in the shower and get on with some more adventures... 

escape.

there is one place around here i can go to when i want to escape my own mind.
i'm never disseminated by what i find there and always inspired.
it makes me happy to know that someone is living and breathing and thinking
such thoughts and experiencing such delightful days here on this planet.
if i could live such a life one day, well... i'd be pretty dang content and pleased.

.

gosh, i hate when my mind is a jumbled mess like this.
i never seem to be able to process things properly.
it's always seeming to flub something up.
never putting life and it's happenings in their proper priority order.

it makes for adventure, but sometimes i don't really want such adventures.
living in constant wait of the next mistake is wearing.
stress.


.


we're leaving for our guatemala trip tomorrow night.
why do i never feel ready for these adventures?
i always feel inadequate and unprepared.
you'd think after 5 years i'd have this thing down by now.
and i do, for the most part.
but "the most part" is defined as the logistics of the trip.
i know how everything works.
i know what will happen when, and how to get through every day just fine.
it's the spiritual, emotional, and personal parts of these trips that have me scared stiff.
everyone else has this natural leadership about them..and i'm like a drowning fish.
whatever that means.

i don't know how to connect with the rest of everyone.
i don't know how to see things the way everyone else sees so obviously.
sometimes i wonder why God even calls us to this thing every year.
my eyes are so different from what it seems they should be.
i'm so far from where i need to be.
and yet so close at the same time.




sorry i'm so melancholy sounding.
this morning was another one of those flub ups.
i can only last so long before they come around...
so i guess it was inevitable...?




my brain is so mixed up...

the assignment.

so, i'm probably only doing this because it was said by a certain someone that i wouldn't.
normally i'd take that obstinance of mine and categorize it as something of a not so good nature.
but in this instance, i'm just going to think to myself that any motivation is good motivation.
makes me feel better in my brain. ha


i hope all of this is about to be a good thing.
i'm not so great at writing. or making observations.
so we'll see how this turns out...


assignment:
the four of us were to wright about the same event so that we
could see how differently each of us interpreted things.


i'm not exactly sure what i am about to write about at the moment.
or what i should be writing.
or how i am going to write this thing i'm not even sure of.
but i guess i'm just supposed to write what i saw and experienced?
so i guess that's just what i'll do.. no matter how pathetic this turns out,
an assignment is an assignment. so be it.
(gosh, if only i thought such things about school assignments...)



it is tuesday afternoon.
a day of chaos, rescheduling and running about in circles has slipped and tumbled by.
as most of my days seem to when spent in nashville.
trying to cram every living sole we know into a limited amount of time is quite the challenge.
but we love people and we love to see people we love, so the chaousvisiting isn't sooo bad.
the rescheduling and flaking on people is VERY much not to my liking tho, i hate to be an inconvenience to others, thus the awkward feeling in the pit of my stomach that seems to be forming as i feed the parking meter with a few dimes and nickles i've scraped out of the middle section of my clutch.

we've been rescheduling like the dickens on these two, my thumb is even numb from all the text messages of "sry, change of plans!" i've had to send their way. :/
but it's our last day in town and a smile / exchange of words (and hopefully a few laughs, because laughs are the best of any exchange) is a MUST, for these two gentleman are quite delightful, and a visit to nashville without at least one conversation would be quite a disappointment indeed.

we (meaning my sister and i, of course. we're joined at the hip you know) skip across the street and approach the door to an establishment we've only visited a few times tops. i love the inside of this place very much, it's inspiring in all of it's mixupidness and mismatching everything. it's so inspiring and wonderful that every time i enter it is actually rather intimidating to me. my thoughts think that only cool people should be aloud inside here, and i'm not very cool... but i pretend to be anyway so hopefully i don't get kicked out.


as i plod into this delight of a place, my eyes dart about in search of a familiar face...well two familiar faces actually, but only one was found.
a glance up and then a smile from the boy who took us on our first ever TPing adventure and first introduced us to Zebra Cakes.
it's always nice to see faces like this, so welcoming and inviting, it makes coming to this meeting feel slightly less awkward. i guess awkward was inevitable tho, it has been a year and a half since we've had any grand adventures, and we have so few to pull from anyway. while snail mail may have spurred adventures of their own kind... they can't replace a living adventure. for written and living adventures are only ever so slightly the same kind of experience.
awkwardness in my brain aside, the conversation begins.
the "how are you's?" are exchanged and then begins the jaunt down memory lane...

a bit into this jaunt i catch a glance upwards from the chap sitting across from me and look back to see what might have caught his gaze. another fine gent who we've not seen in an equally long eternity is strolling our way.
he seems pretty comfortable under this roof...which i envy quite a bit inside my head.
i think to myself that i'm sure if i were able to come here most mornings i'd eventually figure out how to stroll in too, instead of plod.
well, hopefully anyway.
we'll see.


more chat takes place.
i'm pretty sure somewhere in there sarah and i told some stories... confusing stories most likely.
...confusing because of the way we tell all of our stories... like we're running a relay race.
a relay race where passing the baton doesn't always go so smoothly, a fumble of that baton leads to words and sentences overlapping which must be quite a chore to listen to and comprehend. you'd think we'd have this down by now...
with eyebrows raised and wide eyes, the glances from one twin to the other at such a rapid pace during the telling of our tales makes me feel like listening to our stories must be something akin to watching a tennis match... back and forth, back and forth...and at times rather difficult to keep track of the ball.

tho, the two gents in this conversation don't seem all to terribly confused...for the most part anyhow.

during this exchange of sentences and phrases and jokes between us four persons i try my best to ignore all the other chatting going on about me and focus in on the conversation i've come for.
sometimes that's a bit hard because there are so many things to listen to in a place like this that seem to catch my ear. a lively group is behind me chatting away, there are plenty of tables and chairs occupied by interesting people and their conversations....and a sir on his laptop is video chatting to my right.
him, i do sneak a glance at however... especially when i notice his laptop panning our small group of friends, along with the rest of the room.... ohh, video chat. how grand a thing you are.
i wonder if he's in a long distance relationship?
and chatting with his lover perhaps?
how nice of him to include her in his surroundings...
now she can make her own observations about all the hubbub.
tho, i am a bit weirded out by the fact i've no idea who we've just been broadcast to.
technology is ever so strange.
i ponder the strangeness of it all for a bit.
not really paying attention to the live conversation in front of me..
then i remember technology requires that i check in for my flight due to leave for the west in a few short hours.
once the laptop is cracked open i'm in a state of utter confusion.
web sites confuse me.
especially poorly designed ones.
and i'm not very good at navigating them, it would seem.
thus, the rest of the conversation is quite a bit of a blur to me.
thus, my observations should probably end here, for a preoccupied and confused brain hasn't much to say about things other than what might be confusing it... and seeing as i'm supposed to be writing about an exchange between four people... i'm guessing my thoughts on poorly designed web sites have no place in this writing.


a phone call from a stranded girlfriend ends the now five person exchange.
away flies the boyfriend superhero, off to save the day!
and off strolls the thoughtful fellow with the yellow t-shirt.
the shirt that apparently doesn't have rows of teeth on it's front. just no longer existent blood stains.






the end?

it's summer, silly

so, it would seem my sisser and i can not fly these days without some sort of
something going to the dickens.

a couple years ago it took us 44 hours to get from san francisco to miami.
geesh!


thank heaven it didn't take that long to get home this time...
sarah and i arrived home all safe and sound.
...just 24 hours late and in the wrong airport. ha
no bigie!


it's also a good thing we don't really care all that much.
airports are fun for the most part.
and sometimes flight delays and airline mistakes make for great adventures...
like.. one extra day in nashville for FREE?!
well, gee. i'll take that any day :)
and we made good use of our extra time too...
...'twas the perfect ending to a pretty dang good trip.






late last night i was walking about in 73 degree heat climbing atop a colorful dragon.
today i arrived home about the same time to a whopping 55 degrees and breezy.

oh san francisco, it's summer you silly!





(nashville pictures to come soon. i promise. it's sleep time now tho. sleep sleep sleep.)

Nashville, the return.

at 2:19 PM tuesday afternoon....i shall step foot on Nashville soil once again... can'tevenwait.

been zapping zits with my photoshop magic for a few hours now.
it's making me rather batty...

oh, how i love sr. portrait season.. ;)

senior year

Did a Sr. portrait shoot with my sister today for a boy named Evan.
Just went to a park and clickity clicked away.
Gosh, why am I so addicted to black 'n whites these days...?







oh,and

This is Alex. He's Evan's brother.
He's fifteen, and decided to come along for the shoot today.
...apparently a school chum gave him a "Israel star tattoo" today at school... :)
haha.

Oh, high school... such a long time ago.

black and whites, make perfect sights.

i'm kind of in love with these two pictures right now...
and i can say that, cause i'm pretty sure my sister took at least one of them...
so.. i'm not being to haughty when i say that right??
good.
;)












i've just been so in love with making things b&w of late.
there's just such a different magical feel when you take the
color out of something and leave it nice and stark and
raw...more for the imagination, perhaps? who knows.

but i like it.

which is strange cause usually i'm quite the C O L O R lady...

jackson sun

oye!
slept less than an hour last night... had to be at work at
5:30a and have been going nearly nonstop since!
i'm pretty sure i fell asleep standing up a few times
in-between customers getting coffee in my drive thru this
morning...i mean, i really wouldn't be surprised if i had.

jono kept shaking his head and staring at me like i was a
loony person all morning...which is completely understandable.
I mean, i'm starting to think more and more that it may very
well be true these days... then jono got really protective
if had mean people at my window, so that was nice.
even got a little stark with a chap for having his music playing WAY
to loud inside his car when mentioned it was sort of bothering me.


boys.boys.boys. always having to be the protectors, it's sweet :)


***
oh! oh! we finally did a shoot with sam jackson today!
i've been dying to shoot this lovely lady for simply ages!
i thought i was going to die right before, didn't know how
i'd muster up the energy to gallivant about the marina
clicking away at my camera, trying to stay lively and alert.
...but i did it!

we moved the shoot back a couple hours so we could get
some good sun setting lighting on some of the shots..
a couple free hours = nap time.
praise the living lord above for power naps.
they are my saving grace.
amen.




i've already fiddled with a few shots from this evening...couldn't help it
man, i really should be working on engagement shots instead... but oh well!
here's a few quick edits for you to enjoy :)
















pea. ess.
i miss talking to Natasha every single day.
time zones are the WORST! for keeping in contact with ridiculously wonderful people.
*sigh*

puzzled stares and awkward glances.

so.
i'm kind of starting to wonder why people feel the need
to shake their heads and laugh at me in bewilderment
so often... it's starting to get a little awkward... ha

or, at least make me wonder what it is that i'm doing so
differently and strangely that spurs the need for people
to stare at me with puzzled expressions so often.. hmmm


oh well!
back to engagement photograph editing i go!
(i'm doing my best to ignore the beautiful sunshine
outside so i can get these pictures done... but i'm
thinking a bike ride is in short order...i'm not so
good at ignoring blue skies and sunbeams i guess...)


toodles!
♥ -essa

hearts, kisses, and ooglie eyes...ohhh, love.

i am going to spend AAAALLLL day tomorrow editing pictures of people in love.
talk about eye-crossing... ;)






i've got about a billion and seven more of these pictures to work up...
man, i've just GOT to get caught up on all these if i'm ever going to get
our web site done before spring break is over and gone... got till monday.
there is hope! ;)


fingers crossed.
[for luck, of course]


<3




[update]
didn't get to spend all day editing pictures...
the day turned into a ridiculously busy one.
nearly 20 hours long and on only 3 hours of sleep.
ended with a rather awkward "double date"
uhh...

-today (sunday) is the real crosseyeing day.
yay love!

one month. and seven days.

oops.
i can't believe ANOTHER entire month has passed since i last wrote a single word on here...
goodness me!


oh man, that means i've been back in california for at least that long.
gracious me!


being back is ever so strange... it feels like i've only been back a day or two.
and at the same time... it also feels like a billion years ago.
or even more strange.. it really doesn't even feel like i ever lived in washington...
that sure doesn't even make sense.



anyhoo.
i've been busy [duh].
school.
work.
and picture taking.

had two engagement shoots this week.. and we have two weddings for next month.
crazy.

getting to take pictures of people in love makes me pretty happyful at times.
especially when you get a shot you really like.


dunno why, but this is my fav so [so far] from last weeks shoot.
i'm pretty sure it's the color(s)... they just make me so happy happy happy!

and, of course...
the fact that they LOOK so dang happy happy happy! sure doesn't hurt anything ;)







it also makes me pretty happy when i get to shoot in places like this:
[i really don't get how i'm aloud to live in such a beautiful place..
blows. my. mind.


____________________________________________________


highlight of the moment?
SPRING BREAK!!!
and just what does that mean for me???

i'm finally getting our LGP website up.
WAHOO!
and we're figuring out all our packages and pricing for our photography biz.
pretty exciting.

during this week i also have to read an entire book on the history of slavery in the US.
also quite exciting.
or would be if it wasn't written so horridly.
i can hardly keep my eyes open past a paragraph.. heh.
works great for dealing with my insomnia tho!
hehe.


anyway.
yeah.
it's late.
tomorrow is a full day.
church.
ranch (we finally get to meet mi tia angelica's horses!!)
and dinner with the white [usually rather boring] side of the family.


pictures of pretty horses to come soon. :)



mucho of the essa love to you all!
ohand, have a splendid easter, please.

one month.

um. wow.
one month since i last posted something.
gee.
that should tell you something about how my life has been going.
i feel like i'm running about like a crazy woman.
i haven't really found a "routine" yet since i've been back here in CA.
my head is spinning.
and i'm sick again.
grrr.


pray please.
everything, well... quite a lot of things... are going to the dickens.
hopefully things will slow down a bit soon.


<3

Incessant

"for some reason i feel compelled to inform you that your incessant
chirping noises are about to drive me to the brink of insanity."








sorry guys.
the word "incessant" has been stuck in my head.
so, i felt the need to put it in a sentence..

my strength.

i really dislike how being a christian is synonymous with being insecure these days.


why can't we be confident AND humble??
instead of feeble and without opinion.
scurrying around frantically in our own muck.


sigh.



what ever happened to God being our strength?
apparently it got lost along the way to God being our condemner.
dang.

gone are the days...

so, um... this sounds rather petty... but.
..i'm feeling rather insecure about the lack of comments or "followers" on my blog.


i know that sounds laughable.. and i'm even shaking my head and laughing to myself right now...
...but i guess that's what you get when you're birthed into the blogging world via Xanga.
no more two pages of 43 comments greeting you the morning after you post a new adventure....

*sigh*
xanga, you are dearly missed.









ok. you can all laugh now. i sure am.
(i say all but really i mean my one reader, N-dawg i love you!)






oh.and.pea.ess.
i totally had something quite profound to write... but then everyone flooded the kitchen and started yapping, so i lost my golden nugget of wisdom in which i was intending on sharing with you and promptly replaced it with a semi pity party (which i may be entitled to since i've been puking my brains out today)... please forgive me...?

either way, if you find it please let me know...
(by "it" i mean my nugget of golden wisdom.)

so, my dashboard tells me i have "3 followers" that uh, follow? this blog.
i wonder what that means...



eh, it's probably code for "nobody reads this thing vanessa, why do you even bother?"

yep, probably true.
ha.
but don't worry Dashboard, i wonder the same thing myself sometimes too...

so, this jumbly mess was written on a sticky note while sitting in an airport in idaho eeearly on monday morning..

the sign to the left of me right now reads:

"check your bag, keep your money!
first bag free!"

...um. i'm a tad confused... they make what used to be beyond normal sound like SUCH a privilege.
you used to be able to check TWO bags for free.
hmmm... not sure i like such changes.


----------


my brain is constantly noticing sounds. and how the same sound can become differently acquainted with my ear drums by simply changing my location or surroundings..

example:
i just walked through a rounded hall way at the airport (one leading to the woman's room) and suddenly felt the need to take four steps backward, simply to re-hear the clicking of my boots on the hard cold tiled floor once again.
as i rounded the corner the sounds of my clunking boots had became different.
muted.. muffled and a bit more clunky. my ears even felt different.
pressure change.
by simply walking around a corner.
how entertaining!

i rather enjoyed making the mental note of it..
i wonder how many hundreds of people round that very same corner every day and never take four steps back just to experience it again.

quite a many, i'd assume.
hmmm.


--------


i've been sitting at this airport for over two hours..i had to hitch a ride here with some earlier fighting people... i guess the little things are becoming more entertaining to me by now. which, i'm rather partial to, of course.


for instance, the carpet covering the floor i'm currently plopped out upon looks like it's made of a bunch of little rivers.
which makes sense seeing as Boisie is so proud of theirs.

i'd take a picture of it for you to see, but alas, still no camera is in my hands.
poor lil canon 30D... may you rest in pieces.. *sigh*


----------


this whole trip has been quite interesting... it is so intriguing all the different types of people can come together to celebrate one common event... and quite interesting how one person can bring together such different types of people.

the bride in the wedding i just shot yesterday seems to have a knack for making everyone love her. people you'd never think she'd be associated with are her best friends and bride's maids.

i wish i could do that, be just such a delightful soul that people are drawn to you no matter your personality and stance on life.

two girls in particular i could never see myself being friends with.. we're completely different in every way... they are fake 'n baked, with teased hairspray drenched hair and an overabundance of make up smeared across their glowing complexions. have designer luggage and matching pajama outfits and seem to spend a LOT of money on the latest fashions.

i mean, i'm no one to judge.. i spend far to much on clothes... but it just seems like the things that tickled them, would never tickle me, $800 for a necklace.. no thank you?
... and yet the beautiful bride, who is quite a bit like me in her daily life and style, was absolutely comfortable with them.. they've been life long friends!
how does she do it?!
stunning.




okay, these are my thoughts from this rivered floor.
my plane is boarding now, and it wont be the last one for the day.. toodles!

homely home.

the house i currently find myself in is one of the most homely and
warm (not in temperature) houses i've had the pleasure of residing
in in quite a long time.
it's full of hand stitched quilts and home made afghans.
granny squares galore!

everything from the smell as soon as i walked in the door to the floral
wallpaper covered walls to the posed studio family portraits in their
wooden frames covering the hallways ...well it has me feeling right at
home for some reason.
my home doesn't look anything like this..but it's a sense of belonging
and family that just emanates from this house.. it's perfect in every way.
cheesy, but perfect. ;)

one day, i hope my home will feel as welcoming as this place does to the
people that step foot over it's threshold..

this house has obviously been well lived in.
and well loved in.
and judging by the nonstop chatter escaping from the man of the houses
lips.. it holds many stories as well..

there is quite a bit of jolly laughter greeting me from underneath this
bedroom door...i think perhaps, i'm off to go listen to some more grand tales...

.essa

four hours late.

it is now nearly two o'clock in the morning.
i wanted to be asleep four hours ago.
but i've kept my eyes open and brain on...for no good reason, really.


i've been sprawled out on this here couch of a stranger, reading people blogs.
and the comments left on them.
i'm feeling rather much like a stalker... but quite fulfilled.


welp, i'm off to do some more e-stalking...
hopefully the inevitable bags under my eyes tomorrow won't offend too many people in the morning...


much love,
stalkeressa

tock. tick.

there is a clock tick tocking in the corner.
and.
i'm not quite sure if it's making time travel at a much slower rate than normal.
or perhaps at a much faster pace.
more than likely it's making this bit of existence stand completely still.
how exciting!
..or perhaps it's just annoying me.
the loud! gonging every hours sure is.





tock. tick.

i...i can't believe it's gone..

i can't believe i was so stupid.
what was i thinking...???


*sigh*
I went skiing with my cousin yesterday, and when i was packing up my gear i guess i set my $2000 camera down on top of the car cause while driving back from the mountains last night we heard a thump on the hood of the car but didn't really think much of it till we got back to Seattle... i was going to say goodbye to my other cousin since i'm flying out tomorrow.. and i coudln't find my camera anywhere..

long story short... my aunt looked for it on the way down the mountain and found it.
it's smashed beyond repair.
and it had my $700 wide angle lens on it too... which got run over and isn't even recognizable anymore, of course.
i just can't believe it.
i... i don't have a camera anymore.


my parents worked so hard to get it for me.. and i just set it on top of my car and let it fly off the side of a mountain?!
how ungreatful am i?
my lands.
i...i just want to puke.





ohyeah.
and i'm flying out to Boisie to shoot a wedding tomorrow..with no camera.

chitty chatty, chatty chitty.... bang bang?

I had another one of those great late night talks with my aunt again tonight.
we ended early actually, 1am.

we chatted and reminisced about how grand a good
written discourse with a delightful person can be.
it was good.


i'm rather much in the mood for another good written exchange again.
well, i'm always in the mood.
but in a particularly moody mood now, for some reason.
i wonder if it's cause i have quite a bit of thoughts and experiences about my head concerning the past few months.. and i'm not quite sure how to get them out all by myself.

i never write better than when i'm writing with someone.
funny, how that works.

nearing "The End"...

so... i am living my last week here in WA.
and i'm not sure what to feel at the moment..

It's just so strange to come face to face with that fact..it's nearing the end.
over.
done.
no more.

...this chunk of my life that i spent simply MONTHS waiting and anticipating and dreaming about.. the prospect of moving here is seriously the only thing that got me thru my last months interning and thru the summer... and now...it's over.

it's also funny how you can conjure up in your mind how something is going to be.. and that it hardly ever ends up being a match to your imaginings.

the time flew right by.. which was to be expected.
it just passed in a rather unexpected way.
...but, of course, it's been great nonetheless.

i have my regrets. and my joys.
i'm getting rather good at pondering on the joys now.
i never used to be this good at it. :)


i'm not sure if i've really changed all that much.. but maybe just come to know myself [a lot] better?
yes, I'm still the same 'ol Vanessa.. i just know myself as Vanessa now.. not "one of the twins".

and that's WEIRD.
it's weird to not be known for my twin-ness
but just for me.
and only me.


people here know me for me.
and not for "us"
here i've had to be myself and tell my stories all on my own.
it was exhausting!
but i survived.





Things i am going to miss about this place:

-The late night talks with my aunt.
though we may not have the same spiritual beliefs, they have been some of the most rewarding and introspective conversations of my entire life. I really appreciate her so very much.

- working at my Starbucks store (i've never enjoyed working at a place more, if you can believe it)...i really don't want to transfer back to cali.

-Seattle, the city. it's such a lovely place. and i've just begun to really feel my way around...a few more weeks and i'd have been a pro!

-Taking picture with Jessica Valle...even tho we only did it once.

-Freedom, no class schedule, no nothing.. just work and whatever i choose to take on for the day. my schedule was my own and nobody else's.. i chose what i wanted to do and when i wanted to do it.. i didn't have to think about what my sister might have planed or if i was missing some important family event.. it's just me and my little black planner.

- the chance for snow.

Tonight...

...is a night for decision making.


and made it, i have.
even baked it in a pie.
completely from scratch.
(and heated discussion)

homemade is always the best.
but.
that doesn't mean it is tasting very good.
quite tart, actually.
...my eyes are watering again.
tho, i'm rather sure it has nothing to do with lemons, this time.













California...here I come.
.back

Let it snow...let it snow.. let it snowww!

Well, I bought my first ice scraper/snow brush thingy this week..


That's right it's been SNOWING! here for over a week now.
I went to LA last weekend and returned to nothing but white.

It's been simply splendid..
I've never lived where it snowed before so it's been quite delightful.
...driving in it was a bit unnerving at first,
but I found it to be a new adventure and I quite like the challenge.


Here are some picture from the last week... enjoy!!


This is my bedroom window..


Outside our apartment.. Front door...



During my drive home yesterday.
(yes, those are my tire tracks.. I backed up to get the pretty trees in the shot )






These are from my first peek outside the morning after the first good snow fall earlier this week..




The view from our back porch/deck thing...
That's the water in the distance, the fog was really heavy that day..






I didn't drive this car all week and when I went to drive it last night for the first time
it took me 15 minutes to clear off the foot of snow that had accumulated on it.. eeks!




welp, that's it!
If you come over we can make some snow angles.
I've yet to partake in the joyous activity... so sad, I know.. which is why you should stop by!

oops.

oh.

pea. ess.
I did eventually move.
just in case you were wondering.. heh.





sorryikindaforgotievenhadthisblog..so!
here are a few highlights from the past few months...
[in pictures]

The long journey upwards.
Some studio shots with my aunt.
When Billfred came to town.





more to come..
.i promise

pea. ess. I didn't move.

...long story.
i'll have to tell it sometime.
basically, my car is broken.
and nobody knows how to fix it.
so i'm stuck here.. 'till who knows when.

so yeah.
this cali girl is still in cali.
ugh.





(pray my car get's fixed tomorrow so i can finally LEAVE!)

moving and such things...

so.
i'm moving to Tacoma, WA on sunday...i'll be living there for a few months and i'm not quite sure what to make of it just yet.
don't get me wrong.. i'm ever so excited for the pending adventures ahead..and i've been just itching to get out of here and on to new things.. i feel like i've been just wasting my life away since i got back from Peru in July just sitting around with nothing to do and i'm going insane here with my life on hold.

but in all honesty....more than i'm excited..
i'm scared.
i'm scared i'll not live up to my expectations of this trip/learning experience.
what if i find out photography just isn't my thing?
what if i can't learn it the way i need to in order to make this a life long thing?
what if i slip back into my lazy dreadful self and just slack off and don't find the motivation to try?
i don't think i could stand myself if i wasted another opportunity like this..!

i floundered and did bull for two years of interns.. and now...

ugh. i don't want to be the same person i am right now and have been my whole life..!
but it's all i really know.
and... it's my default.. so with that said, what if even after this move and drastic change in my life i still go back to living the same way instead of letting God take over and actually letting myself just be so desperately in love and in tune with him that my every step is in perfect order and made clear...ugh.

i need to just have faith that God is in this.. and still working in me weather i can hear Him or not.
He's always there right?
well... i guess even if my ears and eyes are deaf and blind to what he's doing right now.. even if i've been drowning out his voice with everything in me for months and even if i don't have any faith in myself to carry out this new "assignment" if you will.. i guess He's still going to be there making sure i'm okay, right?
at least, that's what i've heard anyway..

ugh. i need to stop thinking myself into corners and doubting myself and God in me.
tho. i'm not sure how to do that seeing as my track record isn't all that great these days and years...


well, i've got a two day drive starting sunday to think and ponder and pray.
hopefully the fog clears.